Life's not fair

So as I watch the World go by me, I feel as though I'm in slow motion while everyone else is normal speed. I see parents with their kids, enjoying their day, not a care in the world could make them bat an eye. I see professionals all around me, some went to school for their degrees, others did not, perhaps they knew someone to help get them a job, or had skills and qualifications.  Well, I do not, have certain skills that might get me those jobs, I've stayed home raising my kids all if my adult life and at almost 38 years old, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!! However, I don't feel as though I have the time to search for something and I just need something.  If love a 9-5, so I can get home to cook dinner, weekends off to be with the kids and enjoy their childhood.  I look around and I get so mad because these people didn't have someone else decide their fate, as we did. Now you might say" never allow someone to decide your fate"

But mine was my husband, the man I trusted with my kids and my life and he up and destroyed everything. He was the educated one, the bill payer, the bread winner. Now I'm suppose to be all those things, with hardly anytime to gain the skills necessary for raising 4 kids.  I'm supposed to be the sane one, not bad mouth him, don't bring him up to people because then they will know what a monster I married and then I get sympathy and"how didn't you know?" I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm a single mom who didn't chose this life, but here it is, I'm mad at the world because I feel it's me against it, and  mad at him for doing what he did.  The innocent people he hurt, my poor kids growing up without their dad, the only one they knew, he was their coach in little league, played Santa and the tooth fairy for them,he was their everything. Now I have to be those things, do those things, no pressure at all, I was doing my part now I've got to pick up his role too.... I've been their "rock" for all if their lives, but who will be mine? 

W

hen your together with someone since you are 15, you learn their ins and out, clearly I didn't know I was married to a crazy man with a double personality and life but yet I'm here to pick up the pieces.  

Ok, I needed to vent, much better now, until my reality is in my face again, tomorrow