Reality setting in

I thought the worst had to come... I guess i was wrong. I have always said the devastion took place on january 26,2013, but now the finality is here and i am sad,hurt,my heart aches and i am so pissed. We set out for this life together, and he went and bailed. Well,he made horrible choices which has caused so many people such heart ache. I feel for those women. The hurt they must feel, the pain, the fear they will carry. I feel for my four innocent kids that they wont be able to hug their dad for 20 years. All of the pain he has caused, and why am i the one up crying? He was a monster to the victims. But to me, he was my best friend, my husband, and i am sad. I try to think at how fast life goes by, but i feel it will go by so slow knowing it wont be until the year 2035 until i can hug him again. It sounds horrible, maybe i have that munchhousen syndrome or something. Loving the evil person who hurt me, my kids, the innocent victims. But i am human, and i cant turn off 23 years of comfort, saying the ending of his sentence, knowing him... Or so i thought. I really rhought i was so strong but clearly iam not. I need to hear the words my son said lastnight. "He wasnt ever really here,working, or sleeping, it was always us anyways, you mom, and us kids."while his feelings are valid, and somewhat truthful, i dont feel that way. I have so many fond memories with him, our family life. I feel cheated. I see families around, a mom, a dad and kids, and i cant look at them. I feel left out,we were  a family before, even though i was the one always here with the kids? I felt his presence, but maybe it was just that, presence with no depth, soul or a heart or morals.. we talked the other day and i said" u shouldve dealt with your sexual addiction, maybe then it wouldnt have come to this." I shouldve made him get help, not just sweep it under the rug.maybe then i wouldnt be lying here righting my feelings out for the world to hear. I talked with friends back then, when the addiction was blatenly in my face,and most would say" their husbands also had their sexual inuendos and  just let them have their magazines or dvd's, that it was harmless.  I chose to listen and think i am making way to much of it.

Hindsights 22.

Getting things accomplished

Well its official, today i got back my maiden name. Bitter sweet, however i feel like a failure. Why do i? I gues i think i failed at the marriage thing, but in reality, we had a great run for 22 years. What happened can happen to anyone, we all have our own set path, destiny and what not, and mine just wasnt in my favor. However, and i say however b/c i am not complaining. I asked, prayed and wanted a change in my life, yes, not to this level or deception, but here it is. I sit, on my couch, enjoying my quiet time before heading into work, i will make people beautiful today, make people laugh today, and i will reflect on what is important to me b/c i will be away from my most prized and worldley treasures i have. My KIDS!!! Before i took the time i had with them for granted, i thought the 12 years spent at home was boring, not sufficient, boring, the same thing over and over everyday. I wish i could get back the time, to think in a differnt way, to see the time spent would go by in a flash, that as a good friend just told me" we only have 18 Summers with our kids." i cant gain the time back,  i do have many memories, and they do too.I was there everyday to pick up my kids from school, make their snacks and enjoy cartoons with them and playing outside. I am fortunate to have had so much time with my amazing kids, and i will remember i still do, time is what we make of it, so make yours worth every second.

Life's not fair

So as I watch the World go by me, I feel as though I'm in slow motion while everyone else is normal speed. I see parents with their kids, enjoying their day, not a care in the world could make them bat an eye. I see professionals all around me, some went to school for their degrees, others did not, perhaps they knew someone to help get them a job, or had skills and qualifications.  Well, I do not, have certain skills that might get me those jobs, I've stayed home raising my kids all if my adult life and at almost 38 years old, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!! However, I don't feel as though I have the time to search for something and I just need something.  If love a 9-5, so I can get home to cook dinner, weekends off to be with the kids and enjoy their childhood.  I look around and I get so mad because these people didn't have someone else decide their fate, as we did. Now you might say" never allow someone to decide your fate"

But mine was my husband, the man I trusted with my kids and my life and he up and destroyed everything. He was the educated one, the bill payer, the bread winner. Now I'm suppose to be all those things, with hardly anytime to gain the skills necessary for raising 4 kids.  I'm supposed to be the sane one, not bad mouth him, don't bring him up to people because then they will know what a monster I married and then I get sympathy and"how didn't you know?" I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm a single mom who didn't chose this life, but here it is, I'm mad at the world because I feel it's me against it, and  mad at him for doing what he did.  The innocent people he hurt, my poor kids growing up without their dad, the only one they knew, he was their coach in little league, played Santa and the tooth fairy for them,he was their everything. Now I have to be those things, do those things, no pressure at all, I was doing my part now I've got to pick up his role too.... I've been their "rock" for all if their lives, but who will be mine? 

W

hen your together with someone since you are 15, you learn their ins and out, clearly I didn't know I was married to a crazy man with a double personality and life but yet I'm here to pick up the pieces.  

Ok, I needed to vent, much better now, until my reality is in my face again, tomorrow 

So I am constantly told by people that "you are so strong" they often follow up with, I could'nt do what your doing. I mean I'm super greatful to friends, people I have never met but know what happened to Our Family @ the hand of my husband, and appreciate their kind words. However, those words are a constant reminder of our new life. 

It's hard to remeber a short year ago and how we were living, it seems so distant now. I was home with my kids, had been the last 12 years, and how I lived vicariously through him,we'd been together since I was 15 years old,22 years in total.We had created a great life from not so great upbringingings but made Our lil family work. He became successful as a Medical provider, we opted that I'd stay home to be with the kids as he was away a lot, it madesense  one parent should always be home with the kids. It worked for us, but secretly I knew I wanted more... What could I need? I had it all, brand new cars, a beautiful home, 4 kids who I love, but each day I woke up feeling like I was in the movie Groundhog day, and knew there had to be something more then the life I had...

I didn't ask for my life to take such a drastic turn, but then again, I wished it would. I'd say often out loud, "God, Please through me a scare, make me realize my life is amazing," not a bad scare, but something to wake me up.It happened, just like that.

I don't want to go into details about what happened, but just know it's something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.  People were hurt, and lives forever changed. People I will never meet but sadly I share some if their pain. We are victims of him, but let that not hold us down or be fearful. We are safe now from harm, and still have so much Life in us. I'm choosing to share my story, I'm not ashamed, no reason to be. I didn't make those choices, but because of those choices, I'm making my own matter the most now. Rising above the ashes, the storm has settled and now it's time to rebuild.  It certainly won't be an easy task, surely won't happen overnight, It's going to be a hard road, but what other choice do I have? I'm the captain of this ship now, really I've always been, I just never gave myself the credit for it. I've help create the memories that now adorn the walls, that fill the scrapbooks, I took those pictures, I dug in the sand at the park with our kids, I washed and put Spider-man bandaids on that scraped knee. I am the Victor, no more the victim, we won't be held back or labeled because of him, not me, not my amazing kids. Their going to do big things in their life, work and education, yes now they'll need college scholarships, no more 529 plans here, but they'll be ok. They are ok, yes their sad at times and never want to talk about it.It's the constant "elephant in the room" where ever we go, but I know we will be ok, it's time to rise above the ashes, clean up our wounds and carry on, we've got this:-) 

I have a new lease on life now, working again, making people laugh at the Salon, co workers and clients!! I'm in School too, always wanted to be a Nurse and while I'm not going to be one, I am in class's preparing me for the medical field.  I'm thriving, getting good grades, wow Me! Who would've thought? I certainly didn't think I would ever leave the comfort of my Yoga pants and high pony tails for dressing up everyday, putting on makeup, and being in the public eye again, but I am.

If I can do it, anyone can. This is one of my mottos and the reason behind my blog, teaching Women that we are Strong beings, and deserve to be what we want to be.Don't hide behind your significant other, or your kids, keep your hand in the pot with the life you had before all of the greatness. Do what you love and do it with all of your heart and with Passion, don't have ass anything. You are Amazing and deserve to show the World what all you have to offer.

I think this awakening was meant to happen, I'm sad it happened at the hand of Him and to his victims, although I'd like to say this" We can no longer be that, the victims, we are Victors and deserve to have our voices heard"